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Friday, May 23, 2014

Heavy Heart



Lately, I have thinking a lot about all the wonderful people in my life. I really do have the most incredible, supportive people around me, and I don’t think I let that be known enough.

I think there is a reason for each and every person in our life. There is a reason that some people become spilled all over the pages in our stories. I am so happy with the people I have decorating my pages.

My mom is one of the people who is always there for me. I’ve made terrible decisions, I’ve said hurtful things, and she is always there. How incredible is a love like that? It makes me emotional just talking about it. I have a mother who looks at me with so much love and pride to have me as a daughter. My goodness, I am so lucky to have her.

Yesterday, while running errands, I got a text from a mom I babysit for. She had just been told that her mother wouldn’t make it through the weekend. Her mother has been battling cancer for over 2 years, and the pain is just unbearable. It was time to go and say goodbye.

She asked me if I could watch her sweet son so she could get on a plane in the morning, to which I agreed.

I got home later in the afternoon, and my heart felt so heavy. How awful the thought of saying goodbye to someone you love. A planned goodbye to me felt like those moments that you stomach tangles up, and you try to be positive but it’s a slow fall, you know the ending is near, and it’s not a good one. The painted smile, the neat words, the act of being strong because the other person really needed you to be. Goodbyes are never easy.

I called my mom to talk to her about it, and it was so easy to just dial her number, and hear her healthy on the other end. I take this small act of a phone call for granted. I pictured how one day, I will have to say goodbye to her. I thought of my friend getting on the plane to visit her mom, and how that flight would seem like an eternity, but still not long enough. I wished I could have frozen a good memory for her, and had her play it over and over, remembering her mother healthy and well. But we don’t receive pauses, or rewinds. We don’t get to say, “I’ll just see them later, I’ll tell them another time.” Because time goes by, and seasons pass, and soon the ones we love grow older, maybe they get ill, and sooner or later we have to say goodbye.

Time is so precious. When I was in high school, I participated in Every 15 Minutes, a course that went through the repercussions of drunk driving. One of the reenactments was a car crash that killed two people. My mom had to write me a letter of what she would say if I passed away.

I can read the first sentence of that passage and end up in hysterics. I don’t want to make anyone cry today, but I want to dedicate this post to my wonderful mom:

There was a period of time when I moved out that I didn’t delete your voicemails, so afraid that if something happened to you, I would have no way to have your sweet voice, your contagious laugh, fill the room.

On my toughest days, I would just play them back. I never told you, because I wanted them to be as authentic and genuine as you.

You are my best friend, my confidant, my true north.

I can’t thank you enough for the sacrifices you make for me. I can’t thank you enough for continually sharing your light with me. For always telling me I am smart, creative, funny, kind, and natural born leader. I can’t tell you how much it means that every time I need someone in my corner, I can count on you to be there.

When I was younger, I asked you, “Mom, you are going to live with me, when I am older right?” And you said, “I will be around as long as you want me.”

I want you forever, and I will love you for always.

Thank you for showing me what unconditional love feels like. Thank you for being my mother, my forever friend.


I challenge you all to tell those around you that you love them today, and treasure these glorious days. xoxox

1 comment:

  1. Moms.....they are EVERYTHING! Always there no matter what, loving us with all of our imperfections; supporting us through our moods; letting us vent yet not afraid to let us know when we are in the wrong (in a gentle way of course). Always encouraging us to be better people. I don't know where I would be with out my mom.

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