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Monday, December 22, 2014

Embracing the cold ring finger


Sharing a post today from a November journal entry.

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On Thanksgiving, we held hands and said a prayer.


I stared at my mom’s hands. Lined with veins and freckled, sun-loved skin. I looked at her left ring finger, and remembered how as a little girl, I would spot her wedding ring.

My eyes would gleam like the diamond fixed into place. I would ask to try it on, and it was always too big. Even for my thumb. It looked misplaced, unbalanced, like a young boy trying to wear his father’s suit jacket.

It fit my mom perfectly when I was little. Her beautifully curled blonde hair, rouge lipstick, bright smile. Perfumed skin, poised walk. My mom fit her ring.

I, on the other hand was seven. My hair was tangled and knotted due to the hands of the wind. My skin smelled of sunshine and laundry detergent. The ring did not fit me.

I stared at my mom’s cold ring finger during our Thanksgiving dinner and thought of how for 15 years of my life, her finger was comforted by that ring.

She began to talk about how at my age, 20, she was married, had a seven month old, and was celebrating Thanksgiving at her in-laws.

At 20, I am home. I am in college, wildly independent, I have a list of things I want to do before I share a life with someone. A million things to do before my finger is comforted by a forever promise.  

But still, when I look around and I have friends getting married, their left ringer finger decorate with a diamond ring, I really think about the season of my life.

After dinner, I went into my mom’s room and found the ring my dad once proposed to her with. I tried it on, hesitantly. Letting it slowly pass my knuckle, and then letting it settle into place.

It fits perfect this year. But it doesn’t.

Because I am no longer the seven year old girl that thought the only way to a life well-lived meant a life with a diamond ring on my left hand. I realize now, that one day I want that commitment, but first, I want to commit to years of adventure. Of self-discovery, and self-love, and years to wander.

I want to create a life I am proud of, and then share it. But first, I want to embrace my cold ring finger. I want to wake up early, and travel near and far, I want to read about topics I have never taken the time to understand. I want to enjoy my solitude, appreciate my silence, and appreciate myself. I want to be entirely proud of every part of my past, present, and celebrate the possibilities of my future.

The ring fits me, but not this season of my life. 

And even though I dreamed of the day that this ring could look like something that belonged to me, I find myself feeling grateful that today, it fits, but it doesn’t.






Share what you are grateful for today on Emily's blog, Ember Grey.

8 comments:

  1. I fall in love with your writing over and over again. <3

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  2. You have such beautiful writing. I love reading everything you post!

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    1. Alycia, your kind words mean so much to me! Thank you. Hope you had a very Merry Christmas!

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  3. This really is the best way to view marriage and why and when it is time for you.

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    1. Thank you, Catherine! I so believe that timing is everything. Hope your holiday season has been great! xoxo

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  4. "...but first, I want to commit to years of adventure. Of self-discovery, and self-love, and years to wander." Loved this line, because in turn you are loving yourself - your life. (And, I think, if you find someone who loves those parts of you- that part of your life never really has to end. It will change, but he will still understand and love that part of you, and you will still adventure through it.) XO

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    1. Thank you, Emily. I think that is so true, and I've never really thought of it that way. I read your comment to my mom, and she replied, "That's beautiful, She must have someone who truly loves her." Hope you had a wonderful Christmas!

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