Friday, February 6, 2015

Je suis éveillé

Written during my first week of school, after I realized I'm probably insane for taking on 5 classes while balancing a job, this blog, and well, life.

It’s after 1 a.m. and I’ve still got so much work to do. As much as I stare at the clock hoping time with stand still, it’s speeding past.

Currently, I’ve got no makeup on, hair unraveled loosely around my face and a weathered sweater on.

My apple cinnamon candle is burning, the heater is making a soft rumble noise, and I am surrounded by textbooks, thousands of words upon words, assignments, and a french study guide that I’ve been reading for the past thirty minutes.

I am tired. Je suis fatigué, (the french book is already coming in handy.)

This is hard. Staying up late, getting to school early, rushing to work the next day, fitting in time to study, do homework, see friends, family, get groceries, pay pills, breathe.

It’s hard because it’s worth it. It’s draining because it matters. Juggling what feels like a thousand things is never going to be easy, but I’m in the rhythm, and everything is staying up in the air.

I’ve had to read the first two thousand lines of Beowulf, a 34 page PDF on different aspects of technical writing, the first two chapters of my French book, a prepare for two quizzes. There never seems to be quite enough time.

I believe in what people say, that every moment matters. I do. I understand that people think school is a waste of time, or look at me and say  “why stay up that late, pay for tuition, to be exhausted and do the same thing, semester after semester?” “why do it when you could probably just do something else?”

Because amongst all of this mess, like my pillows gently propping up pages of notes, there is something I find so peaceful and calming about this chaos. There is something so empowering about what I am doing. You walk uphill for so long that your legs get used to the cramping, your breath finally gets into rhythm, and you just keep moving forward.

I feel most beautiful when I am learning something new. I have never felt stronger as I feel these new pieces of knowledge build upon my bones. I love learning, I love feeling challenged. I love knowing that I will never be the same person after cracking open a book, or sitting in a three-hour lecture. I only become a better version of myself.

Life is about pushing ourselves out of our comfort zones, being in classrooms with people that let us borrow their eyes and see things for a brief moment the way they do. Life is about learning things from novels we would never pick out for ourselves, and befriending the people who just like me are staying up late, pushing through with a bed full of books and loose leaf pages.

So, as my eyes grow tired, and I want nothing else but push aside these responsibilities and feel the pillow beneath my head, I keep juggling.

And I remember how my creative writing teacher said take time to notice how the shadows fall upon your shoes, and the way the sun peeks through the leaves, and tell about it.

And I remember how my women’s studies teacher said we must leave our closed minds at the door, and be ready to feel, experience, tell, and share. Education is power.

And I remember how my peers and teachers walk around speaking of their passions, and their dreams.

Je suis éveillé. I feel so awake.

If you haven't linked up with Emily this week for Grateful Heart, there's still time! Head over to her blog.


  1. You know what's funny... as I read this, there was a tiny part of me that felt envious that you are going through this part of your life, as hard and exhausting as it may be. There was some sick part of me that loved staying up until the early hours of the morning, studying. (Remember.. I said "sick" part haha) But at the same time, of course I want to come rescue you from it, if only for 30 minutes. I'd bring you coffee - decaf - and do your dishes so you could take a nap. :) You're doing a great job, Katie!! Keep going!!


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