Monday, February 9, 2015


There are some things I write in my journal and never share publicly on my blog. There are some things I write and read back over and I find myself astonished that I had felt that way, that I had felt so upset, scared, or worried.

As a blogger, it is so easy to share what it is that is making us happy. It is so incredibly easy to share what our favorite fashion trends are of the moment,  a great opportunity, a favorite trip, or a yummy recipe. All of those things make wonderful posts, but they are much easier to write than the hard stuff.

This weekend I travelled to California with my sister, and after about an hour of being in Laguna Beach, she got really sick. Lizzie has been cancer and tumor free for over three years now. Three whole years, and I am grateful for every single 1,095 plus days she has had that way, but the rough days in between are ones I always worry about. Ones I hesitate to share on my blog.

She is weaning off medication right now, and the backlash of it is headaches that leave her completely immobile and terribly sick.

She would never come out and say it, but I know the look. Her face goes white, her body trembles, her legs bob up and down, and her eyes glaze over. I know the look so well because I have seen it so many times. It is hard to write this without big, teary eyes because as a sister that has only spent eleven months of my life without my beautiful Irish twin by my side, I don't know what the world looks like without her. I have an overwhelming fear of what would happen to me if I ever had to see the world that way.

Her headache got so bad that we had to drive home, and stop at a hotel where Lizzie got really sick, she was shaking, delusional, and threw up. During this medication detox, Lizzie cannot even have Ibuprofen, so she sucked it up, and tried to let it pass.

I tried to sleep on the bed next to her, and I just kept praying. I just kept reaching for her hand and praying that I could take some of this pain. She woke up feeling better.

While driving home, Lizzie and I talked about being sisters, about how we always have so much fun together. We hugged all day, and made silly jokes, and talked about our best memories, and what we will do as grown-ups. We finish each other's sentences, we belt out our favorite songs together, and we remember together. We remember how far we've come and how far we've got left to go.

Last night before going to bed, Lizzie gave me a hug and squeezed me tight, and I thought, who will ever know me like you do? Who will ever understand that because of you, I get to be the best version of myself, I get the best possible title in the world. I get to be your sister.

And through dark days, and sick days, through days where the sun just seems to shine on only us, and good days that leave us praying up at the skies, I've got you. And you've got me. Always.

If you want to read more about our sisterhood, click here, here, and here for some posts.
Link up with Emily over at Ember Grey and share what you are grateful for today.


  1. It is beautiful that you acknowledge your relationship with your sister as an identity. Sometimes when we go through things (medication detox or really just life in general), the uncertainty of where our journey will go, is calmed by our ability to see our self in others. I have faith that our dearest Lizzie, will see her cleanse not only as a physical process, but as a process towards a new lifestyle awaiting her. A lifestyle that entails the removal of the things that we think help us, and the identification of the slow truths that we prosper from most. It is only a matter of 'when,' because we don't give up.

    Beliefs, Love & Blessings,

  2. I'm so sorry you two had such a painful and scary weekend. Anytime I read a post you've written about Lizzy, I cry. The love you two have for each other could never be matched in a thousand years. I love so much that you two have each other the way you do! xo


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